What Is Depression?

it’s not all in your head.

Or rather, it is mostly in your head, but literally (not just figuratively). For the longest time, I thought that the feeling of hopelessness and apathy was something I couldn't control. It would just creep up on me, even when I was happy and had no reason to be sad at all.* It was infuriating because I couldn't make it go away, and I couldn't come to understand it.

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I felt invaded, violated by something invisible that some would say was 'all in my mind'. Noticing something internal like this when you're 14 years old and are already terrified of how the world around you works is debilitating.

I didn't know how to handle it, so I muddled through the next four years; I cried, learned lessons, went to college, and lost hold of my dancing dreams—

all with the black, smokey shadow of depression swirling through me invisibly. Then I was eighteen, and I was finally diagnosed with clinical depressive disorder. I researched it after my doctor said that it wasn't just me creating the sadness.

Scientific studies show so much more! For instance, did you know:

1. 'Experts believe stress can suppress the production of new neurons (nerve cells) in the brain'.* Neurons are what make the brain work properly, and if you have depression, you probably need something to spur on neurogenesis*.

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Neurotransmitters.

2. In people with depression, the levels of certain brain chemicals might be out of balance, particularly these neurotransmitters*: serotonin (which regulates mood, emotion, and sleep); dopamine (which affects movement, attention, and pleasure); and norepinephrine (which regulates arousal, sleep, attention, and mood)*.

Wow! It feels like college again. In any case, my poor little brain, while feeling much better emotionally, is now exhausted past the point of being science-y any longer. I hope this will help if you have any friends or family who can't quite wrap their own heads around what's going on in your head, or if you're trying to understand yourself.

Love and Hugs and Naps (Boy Am I Pooped),

Joëlle

*1."Understanding Anhedonia: What Happens in the Brain?" Tim Newman/Medical News Today. (2018)

*2."What Causes Depression?" Harvard Medical School. (2009) (2017)

*3."What Is Neurogenesis?" University of Queensland. (2017)

*4."What Are Neurotransmitters?" University of Queensland. (2017)

*5."What Causes Depression? Brain Chemistry and Neurotransmitters..." Alison Palkhivala/University Health News. (2019)

Who Is Joelle?

         Since this is 2019, I suppose I should introduce myself for this year. Hi, I'm Joelle. I'm eclectic. I like cats, dragons, green apples, chocolate, and fantasy stories. As a musical artist, I stylize my name as Joélle.

         I love music.

         I have to get braces in a couple days and I really don't want them, mostly because flossing is already a nightmare and now it's going to be a night terror (at least they're clear?...).

        I have a black persian cat named Micia (MEE-chah) who I love most dearly and talk about far too much in regular conversation because she's GREAT and obviously everyone else in the world needs to know just how GREAT she is, too. 

     I have insomnia, major depressive disorder (MDD), and ME (myalgic encephalomyelitis, a.k.a. chronic fatigue for all of you who are thinking, 'seriously, she's using medical jargon now? I clicked on this 'cause I thought it would be interesting, not another grumblegrum*...').

          I have fibromyalgia (muscle + joint pain/weakness), tremors, and finally, the real kicker: neurological auto-immune disease (we think). Now you may be thinking about how sorry you are for me, but please stop and read my wording above one more time. 

       I HAVE insomnia, and I have auto-immune disease, but they don't have me. Sometimes they pull me under a bit and I need some time to swim back up, but I like swimming. Supposedly, some people want to hear about my life and my thoughts and my perspectives, so I'm going to try to update this blog every Sunday. (Shoot. *Looks at calendar and cringes*)
        If you're interested, follow me. :) I hope we can have a lot of fascinating discussions over the year of 2019.

             Hugs,
                Joelle

*GRUMBLEGRUM [noun.]

 Joellenese for the "muttering of unsavory words under one's breath".

It's Hard.

       It’s hard.

      It’s really, really, hard. When your mind is saying, yes, yes, let's do it! and your soul is chiming in, this will make you happy; but your body simply replies with the same answer every time, like an old man on the bus who says the same words to the driver every day when he nods goodbye: I’m so very tired.

        I’m sorry, I can’t do it. 

        It hurts too much.

       All I want is to practice the piano, or sew, or take a full-length shower; and if I go ahead and do it anyway, afterward my body is in even more pain— a lot more.

       Then I have to take more medicine,

       and my mind gets even more dizzy, 

       and when my soul says, you can keep moving forward! I want to grab it by its hair and shout and sob and show it the dull, burning flashes of frosty lightning tracing every path my neurons connect to with a silent scream.

       Yet even when tears are streaming down my face and all I need more than air itself is a hug, but I can’t get one because everyone else is asleep— I still hear my soul, quietly flickering away in my shaky heart to keep it warm.

       You will.

   Your will is stronger than fatigue.
   Your hope will overcome depression.
   Your strength will carry your pain.
   Your determination will sharpen your mind.
   Your faith will shape your future, and
   Your soul will keep you warm.

       I hope you have a good day. I'm super sleepy so I'll be watching The Great British Bake-off and drinking plenty of fluids. 

        Love,

          Joelle.

I Can Barely Take It Anymore.

DEAR
     Heart:
           I'm sick. Again. Sick of being sick, sick of my physical body, sick of never having any control over the bimonthly colds I get.

       I'm tired. Tired of being worn out, tired of never sleeping, tired of being an insomniac with an overactive imagination, tired of the daily trials of life.

         I'm finished. Finished with the world, finished with doctors, finished with people, finished with those who spread lies about me fabricating my illness.

         I'm broken. My immune system is broken, my mind is broken, my body is broken, my happiness is broken. I can barely take it anymore.

          So I do the only thing I can; I worship. I pray, I give thanks, I lift my hands and feel the music around me and close my eyes. I'm filled with peace. No, it's not coming from me, it's being given to me. And I know that no matter how hard today, tomorrow, and the day after that will be, I will always be able to find something to give my mind and my soul peace.

           Because like the song says, we are broken together.

With Brokenness,

Joélle.

YOU'RE GONNA DIE IN SEVEN DAYS!

DEAR
     Worriers:
           Since the beginning of time, humanity has had an obsession with the future. We try to predict the future. We try to control the future. We worry.

            Worry is fear while it is still curious.

           Worry is simply some degree of insecurity about the future. Why is it we worry so much about things we can't control? Why is it we can't simply let go?

       'Since time immemorial humans have longed to learn that which the future holds for them. Thus, in ancient civilization, and even today with fortune telling as a true profession, humankind continues to be curious about its future, both out of sheer curiosity as well as out of the desire to better prepare for it..."

-Rabbi Ronald H. Isaacs

           God gives you next to nothing about your specific future in the Bible. In such an insecure world where there is so much hostility and war and famine and pain, why would God be so vague about our future? Why would God tell us so much about Jesus' future and not ours?

     'Therefore, I tell you the truth: do not worry. Who of you by worrying can add a single moment to your life?'

-Matthew 6:27 NIV

          I think the reason is because we will have trouble no matter what. We will go through difficult times no matter what. Do we really want to know about all of the terrible things to come? That will only make us worry more, and stop concentrating on the here and now, which is what matter most. We will walk through the shadow of the valley of death. I can't speak for anyone else, but I can say that I certainly don't want to know about the darkness in my future. I have a hard enough time dealing with life as it is.

            This is where I begin to come to a conclusion: the goal of this life is not to figure out the future- it is to love. It is to better the lives of those around us. And when you wake up in the night in a cold sweat and feel scared and alone, know that the creator of the universe holds your future in his very hands. He is with you in every moment.

The goal is not to figure everything out. The goal is to know that God will help us through everything.

            Try not to worry. It may not seem like it, but the universe is on your side.

With Hopefully Receding Pensiveness,

Joélle.

Lost In Translation

DEAR
      Young adults:
                It's hard to stop trying to find validation through others.

               It's hard when you know you have worked every day, every year, and you try and fail over and over again. It's hard to pick yourself up and keep going after every fall. It's hard when you finally get somewhere, only to be ignored by the very people you are trying to impress.

           I'm turning twenty-one in two weeks, and I still have no idea what I am supposed to do with my life. I sing, I write, I draw, I paint, I create. And yet, I have no understood purpose in life; no path to follow. All I know is that I will not be able to move through life unless I continue to create.

             I feel like someone has put me in a helicopter, flown me out to sea, and dropped me in the center of a vast ocean. There is nothing in sight. I do not know what is beneath me. I can't see anything coming toward me. I am struggling to stay above the waves. There is nothing to swim toward, nothing to measure against. I am alone.

           The only thing that I know is there is the sky, but even the sky changes. Sometimes it's filled with light, and sometimes it's dark. Sometimes I see the stars and the moon, and sometimes it's raining, and I cry along with the clouds. The only constant is the rising and setting of the sun, even if it's obscured, because I know it's there.

             What I'm trying to say is, my life is the ocean, and this is how I feel. I am overwhelmed and lost, and the only thing I know for certain is that God, the sun, is somewhere nearby.

           I don't know how to end this post, because I am so tired and sad and emotionally dry right now. I suppose I simply wanted to write out my state of mind.

                It's storming in the sea of my mind right now, and I'm feeling a bit under the weather. Normally, I'd post something positive about how to get out of the storm, but I have to admit that I can't get out of mine right now. I think it's time I admitted that I am just as lost and broken as so many other people, and I simply needed to share my turmoil. Maybe we can help each other.

                 Da duit.

With I Can't Even Right Now (Seriously),

Joélle.

Depression in Poetic Form

DEAR
     Depression:

             I have been thinking about serious issues all day-- if you're not sure what I'm talking about, read my previous post-- I thought I'd continue Poemmas with this rather deep look at the depression center of my mind. I wrote this two years ago, in a college class, and it's one of the most personal things I have ever created. I hope you like it.

Grey Thoughts

I.

A tiny void of ink, black–

my confusion blooming in that one small droplet. I

see thoughts pressed down, as shaky handwriting far

too heavy for someone who appears to be bright,

sunbeams. Emotions slowly becoming something else-

Black, curved, marching; dripping

I can taste them, touch them, almost.

But not quite.

II.

My ink feelings

leave velvet teardrops, shaded with

night, across stark paper, yet

all I see is distorted beauty:

lovely words saying terrible

things, drowning in an inky

wash wrung from my thoughts– I’d

hoped they would fade,

but the paper appears as an open wound,

raven scars biting pale skin.

III.

I'm stuck in

the exact moment between day and night,

just waiting. I'm

falling through the twilight sky, still waiting,

fading. My heart is grey, dim, alone; surrounded

by frozen sparks. I am sitting

in the arms of an autumn tree, slowly losing

my colors. – I shiver

I am covered by a bittersweet avalanche when

I cry;

the skies' tears join mine. Icy tendrils

bind my mind and my fears turn to glass

with one side. I can just see out, but no one looks

in past the glaze of laughter.

I think I might break- like glass,

like ice, like mirrors, like lies.

With A Blot Of Ink,

Joélle.

Coming Out is In

DEAR
     LGBTQ people:
            In a way, I feel speechless.

            People always talk about how you should embrace who you really are, not hide your true feelings and problems, not shy away from your inner monsters. For some people, it's a short struggle. For others, it takes years. As someone who has depression, I suppose I can somewhat understand how this might feel. In other ways, though, I can not even begin to imagine the inner turmoil.

           One of my favorite YouTubers came out as gay today. You have no idea how flabbergasted I was that someone who is nearly always under the media's eye was able to keep that secret so hidden. Sharing something so personal with the world is difficult, and I massively respect that.

            One thing a lot of people would bring up is whether or not being gay is "right" or "good", as many might. (As a Christian, I'd like to point out that being gay is not a sin, it's having sexual intercourse with another of the same sex that is considered a sin. Just because you've been born gay doesn't mean you're instantly destined for the Hot Place. But that's another more in-depth discussion.) But what is always overlooked is that we have no inkling of how anyone going through this truly feels. What it is like. What being looked at in a certain way by the rest of the world is like. I honestly don't have a solid opinion, because all I know is that I feel sympathy. The closest thing I can compare it to is depression, because that is all I know. (A sad comparison, I know. But it's the best my mind can do.)

           What would you do if you had something different as part of your innermost mind, something you couldn't shake, and you couldn't control? You learn to coexist. You learn to appreciate things you never noticed before. You learn to change.

            Being ashamed of something can pull you back, just as being too prideful can do the same. But as it has always been said, admitting something is the first step to getting anywhere. Kudos to you. You've faced an inner monster. Keep inspiring good in others; keep talking about about depression and how to learn to be more optimistic. You're pushing people around the world to think for themselves. You've done a pretty frantastic job with your life so far. Keep it up. I hope I haven't offended you too much; I'm just being honest with what I know.

           Everyone was created the way they are for a reason. We are all meant for something greater than ourselves, even if it seems insignificant to us. The choices we make after the fact are what define us.

With Respect (And Rainbows),

Joélle.