My Story… (Has Just Begun!)

            I wasn't entirely sure what to write today, so I thought I'd write a professional sad blurb (although it's a bit longer than a blurb- maybe a bluurben? List names for longer blurbs down below...).

             For the past two and a half years, my health has been steadily declining— it began with severe chronic fatigue syndrome and constant headaches; then muscle and joint pain, difficulty walking or standing for more than 5 minutes, brain fog, dizziness/light-headedness, benign essential tremors in the hands, numbing neuropathy in the arms and legs, and severe nerve pain in the shoulders (specifically the right shoulder), back, and right arm and hand.

            Tentative diagnoses from my current team of doctors include fibromyalgia, neural auto-immune disease, and neural brain inflammation. Concrete diagnoses include ME/CFS, neuropathy, and allergies/intolerance of cats, dogs, anything with fur, lactose/dairy, gluten, lettuce, white beans, and a variety of grains.

             I am twenty-four years old, and I feel like I am losing time in the prime of my life to go explore opportunities and do what I really feel called by God to do: be a songwriter, author, and recording artist in the major scene. I know that I am supposed to cut through the depravity and worldliness of a lot of the music and storytelling of today and give listeners encouragement and inspiration to use their brokenness and create something beautiful again. I'm trying to follow my previously stated mantra, but even I can't hold to it in this pain and mental foggy thunderstorm.

          I want to learn how to control my panic attacks (or even stop them altogether!), grow closer to God and use my spirituality as a way to move forward in health and joyfulness. I want to gain a stronger outlook and learn new ways to continue following my calling while combatting this serious chronic illness and pain.

             And sometimes, I just need someone to spill my heart and tears to, because this is hard, and I'm not impenetrable.

Believe It! を信じなさい!

       Hugs help, too. Believe it!

              So there you have it: my mind (today, anyway) in a nutshell. Yeah, it can get kind of depressing in there sometimes, but gosh, do I love creating things! I also want to be encouraging to everyone I meet no matter how bad of a day I or the people around me may be having, so there's a real year's resolution!

YOU'RE GONNA DIE IN SEVEN DAYS!

DEAR
     Worriers:
           Since the beginning of time, humanity has had an obsession with the future. We try to predict the future. We try to control the future. We worry.

            Worry is fear while it is still curious.

           Worry is simply some degree of insecurity about the future. Why is it we worry so much about things we can't control? Why is it we can't simply let go?

       'Since time immemorial humans have longed to learn that which the future holds for them. Thus, in ancient civilization, and even today with fortune telling as a true profession, humankind continues to be curious about its future, both out of sheer curiosity as well as out of the desire to better prepare for it..."

-Rabbi Ronald H. Isaacs

           God gives you next to nothing about your specific future in the Bible. In such an insecure world where there is so much hostility and war and famine and pain, why would God be so vague about our future? Why would God tell us so much about Jesus' future and not ours?

     'Therefore, I tell you the truth: do not worry. Who of you by worrying can add a single moment to your life?'

-Matthew 6:27 NIV

          I think the reason is because we will have trouble no matter what. We will go through difficult times no matter what. Do we really want to know about all of the terrible things to come? That will only make us worry more, and stop concentrating on the here and now, which is what matter most. We will walk through the shadow of the valley of death. I can't speak for anyone else, but I can say that I certainly don't want to know about the darkness in my future. I have a hard enough time dealing with life as it is.

            This is where I begin to come to a conclusion: the goal of this life is not to figure out the future- it is to love. It is to better the lives of those around us. And when you wake up in the night in a cold sweat and feel scared and alone, know that the creator of the universe holds your future in his very hands. He is with you in every moment.

The goal is not to figure everything out. The goal is to know that God will help us through everything.

            Try not to worry. It may not seem like it, but the universe is on your side.

With Hopefully Receding Pensiveness,

Joélle.