Who Do You Want To Be?

who, not what.

I asked myself today, ‘Who do you really, truly, honestly want to be?’ Then I made a list, but it was more of a list of what I wanted to be, not who.

‘I want to be an author,’ I said. ‘A recording artist, a songwriter who can sustain herself.’ But those are all occupations; a way of surviving financially in this world (even if they are considered ‘whimsical’ positions by many people). The real question I should ask myself is, ‘Who do I want to be inside?’

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      So I made a new list. ‘I want to be encouraging,’ I said. ‘Someone who keeps moving forward and finding the good in everything and everyone; someone who can be inspired, and inspire in turn.’

     I want to be someone who encourages minds and souls, lets them know they are not alone, and takes the dark and makes it beautiful. I want to love instead of hating; create, and not destroy. I want to make brokenness beautiful.

      Instead of wishing to be a certain way, try every day to be a little better than the person you were yesterday. Don’t wait for it to come to you, because it won’t. You have to become it.

      Tell me, who do you want to be?

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My Story… (Has Just Begun!)

            I wasn't entirely sure what to write today, so I thought I'd write a professional sad blurb (although it's a bit longer than a blurb- maybe a bluurben? List names for longer blurbs down below...).

             For the past two and a half years, my health has been steadily declining— it began with severe chronic fatigue syndrome and constant headaches; then muscle and joint pain, difficulty walking or standing for more than 5 minutes, brain fog, dizziness/light-headedness, benign essential tremors in the hands, numbing neuropathy in the arms and legs, and severe nerve pain in the shoulders (specifically the right shoulder), back, and right arm and hand.

            Tentative diagnoses from my current team of doctors include fibromyalgia, neural auto-immune disease, and neural brain inflammation. Concrete diagnoses include ME/CFS, neuropathy, and allergies/intolerance of cats, dogs, anything with fur, lactose/dairy, gluten, lettuce, white beans, and a variety of grains.

             I am twenty-four years old, and I feel like I am losing time in the prime of my life to go explore opportunities and do what I really feel called by God to do: be a songwriter, author, and recording artist in the major scene. I know that I am supposed to cut through the depravity and worldliness of a lot of the music and storytelling of today and give listeners encouragement and inspiration to use their brokenness and create something beautiful again. I'm trying to follow my previously stated mantra, but even I can't hold to it in this pain and mental foggy thunderstorm.

          I want to learn how to control my panic attacks (or even stop them altogether!), grow closer to God and use my spirituality as a way to move forward in health and joyfulness. I want to gain a stronger outlook and learn new ways to continue following my calling while combatting this serious chronic illness and pain.

             And sometimes, I just need someone to spill my heart and tears to, because this is hard, and I'm not impenetrable.

Believe It! を信じなさい!

       Hugs help, too. Believe it!

              So there you have it: my mind (today, anyway) in a nutshell. Yeah, it can get kind of depressing in there sometimes, but gosh, do I love creating things! I also want to be encouraging to everyone I meet no matter how bad of a day I or the people around me may be having, so there's a real year's resolution!

I Can Barely Take It Anymore.

DEAR
     Heart:
           I'm sick. Again. Sick of being sick, sick of my physical body, sick of never having any control over the bimonthly colds I get.

       I'm tired. Tired of being worn out, tired of never sleeping, tired of being an insomniac with an overactive imagination, tired of the daily trials of life.

         I'm finished. Finished with the world, finished with doctors, finished with people, finished with those who spread lies about me fabricating my illness.

         I'm broken. My immune system is broken, my mind is broken, my body is broken, my happiness is broken. I can barely take it anymore.

          So I do the only thing I can; I worship. I pray, I give thanks, I lift my hands and feel the music around me and close my eyes. I'm filled with peace. No, it's not coming from me, it's being given to me. And I know that no matter how hard today, tomorrow, and the day after that will be, I will always be able to find something to give my mind and my soul peace.

           Because like the song says, we are broken together.

With Brokenness,

Joélle.