It's Hard.

       It’s hard.

      It’s really, really, hard. When your mind is saying, yes, yes, let's do it! and your soul is chiming in, this will make you happy; but your body simply replies with the same answer every time, like an old man on the bus who says the same words to the driver every day when he nods goodbye: I’m so very tired.

        I’m sorry, I can’t do it. 

        It hurts too much.

       All I want is to practice the piano, or sew, or take a full-length shower; and if I go ahead and do it anyway, afterward my body is in even more pain— a lot more.

       Then I have to take more medicine,

       and my mind gets even more dizzy, 

       and when my soul says, you can keep moving forward! I want to grab it by its hair and shout and sob and show it the dull, burning flashes of frosty lightning tracing every path my neurons connect to with a silent scream.

       Yet even when tears are streaming down my face and all I need more than air itself is a hug, but I can’t get one because everyone else is asleep— I still hear my soul, quietly flickering away in my shaky heart to keep it warm.

       You will.

   Your will is stronger than fatigue.
   Your hope will overcome depression.
   Your strength will carry your pain.
   Your determination will sharpen your mind.
   Your faith will shape your future, and
   Your soul will keep you warm.

       I hope you have a good day. I'm super sleepy so I'll be watching The Great British Bake-off and drinking plenty of fluids. 

        Love,

          Joelle.

Coming Out is In

DEAR
     LGBTQ people:
            In a way, I feel speechless.

            People always talk about how you should embrace who you really are, not hide your true feelings and problems, not shy away from your inner monsters. For some people, it's a short struggle. For others, it takes years. As someone who has depression, I suppose I can somewhat understand how this might feel. In other ways, though, I can not even begin to imagine the inner turmoil.

           One of my favorite YouTubers came out as gay today. You have no idea how flabbergasted I was that someone who is nearly always under the media's eye was able to keep that secret so hidden. Sharing something so personal with the world is difficult, and I massively respect that.

            One thing a lot of people would bring up is whether or not being gay is "right" or "good", as many might. (As a Christian, I'd like to point out that being gay is not a sin, it's having sexual intercourse with another of the same sex that is considered a sin. Just because you've been born gay doesn't mean you're instantly destined for the Hot Place. But that's another more in-depth discussion.) But what is always overlooked is that we have no inkling of how anyone going through this truly feels. What it is like. What being looked at in a certain way by the rest of the world is like. I honestly don't have a solid opinion, because all I know is that I feel sympathy. The closest thing I can compare it to is depression, because that is all I know. (A sad comparison, I know. But it's the best my mind can do.)

           What would you do if you had something different as part of your innermost mind, something you couldn't shake, and you couldn't control? You learn to coexist. You learn to appreciate things you never noticed before. You learn to change.

            Being ashamed of something can pull you back, just as being too prideful can do the same. But as it has always been said, admitting something is the first step to getting anywhere. Kudos to you. You've faced an inner monster. Keep inspiring good in others; keep talking about about depression and how to learn to be more optimistic. You're pushing people around the world to think for themselves. You've done a pretty frantastic job with your life so far. Keep it up. I hope I haven't offended you too much; I'm just being honest with what I know.

           Everyone was created the way they are for a reason. We are all meant for something greater than ourselves, even if it seems insignificant to us. The choices we make after the fact are what define us.

With Respect (And Rainbows),

Joélle.