It's Hard.

       It’s hard.

      It’s really, really, hard. When your mind is saying, yes, yes, let's do it! and your soul is chiming in, this will make you happy; but your body simply replies with the same answer every time, like an old man on the bus who says the same words to the driver every day when he nods goodbye: I’m so very tired.

        I’m sorry, I can’t do it. 

        It hurts too much.

       All I want is to practice the piano, or sew, or take a full-length shower; and if I go ahead and do it anyway, afterward my body is in even more pain— a lot more.

       Then I have to take more medicine,

       and my mind gets even more dizzy, 

       and when my soul says, you can keep moving forward! I want to grab it by its hair and shout and sob and show it the dull, burning flashes of frosty lightning tracing every path my neurons connect to with a silent scream.

       Yet even when tears are streaming down my face and all I need more than air itself is a hug, but I can’t get one because everyone else is asleep— I still hear my soul, quietly flickering away in my shaky heart to keep it warm.

       You will.

   Your will is stronger than fatigue.
   Your hope will overcome depression.
   Your strength will carry your pain.
   Your determination will sharpen your mind.
   Your faith will shape your future, and
   Your soul will keep you warm.

       I hope you have a good day. I'm super sleepy so I'll be watching The Great British Bake-off and drinking plenty of fluids. 

        Love,

          Joelle.

Thinking? That's Never Good.

DEAR
     Self:
        It's been so long, I thought I'd just sit down and write out my thoughts. This is unedited, so bear with me. Lately, I have been thinking. That is never good, because my mind goes ninety-four miles a minute and turns up some pretty crazy things, such as a deep need to debate whether children could be conceived and raised in Neverland. But that is beside the point.

         I have noticed that despite my varied interests and all of the work I do at my job and for myself, I feel like I am at a stalemate with life right now. That is bad, in case you were wondering. Anyhow, I have decided to make a list for myself with everything I'd like to do from now on, then figure out how to actually get that thing in my life without taking too much from everything else that's important to me. Why am I posting this? Because I have nothing to post and I thought you could help me out.

         1) I need to get fit. Not skinny, fit. Food has always been the only love life I've needed, and it's not helping that I enjoy sweets and carbs far more than I should. So if you see me sneaking a garlic twist at work, tell me to put it back and eat a salad. I may get mad at you, but at least I'll know someone read my blog. (UPDATE: Thank you, Sara. lol)

         2) I need to get music out for others to hear, and stop trying to be perfect. So I sang something a little flat, or I messed up that piano bit. PUT IT UP anyway, people will still give feedback. I've learned this, and I am just so self-conscious about it. So I am going to try as hard as I can to put up a video of some kind every other week. If I get sick, like I did this past week, it won't get in the way of weekly projects.

         3) I need to stop watching Doctor Who and start writing again. If I never make it as a singer, at least I'll have a novel or two or twelve to fall back on. Maybe I'll feel accomplished. I just need to finish things, and writing is one of the hardest, because I feel like it all needs to be just so.

       4) I need to make my dream my concentration. Music is my dream, so music should be breathed, drunk, and imagined every second of the day. I need to practice more instead of, once again, watching television shows. Damn you, iCarly. Practice makes better, and if I want my life to be music, I need to make music my life. This is truthfully the hardest, because underneath all the fuzzy blonde, I am still afraid that I am wasting my time and my hope.

       That's the end, I'm trying to be succinct. If I sound self-centered in this, that's because I felt like it today. So-rry. If you have any suggestions for me, whether they be of songs to cover, teas to drink, or anything else, let me know. :) 

With A Mouthful Of Garlic Bread Chicken Salad,

Joélle