Lost In Translation

DEAR
      Young adults:
                It's hard to stop trying to find validation through others.

               It's hard when you know you have worked every day, every year, and you try and fail over and over again. It's hard to pick yourself up and keep going after every fall. It's hard when you finally get somewhere, only to be ignored by the very people you are trying to impress.

           I'm turning twenty-one in two weeks, and I still have no idea what I am supposed to do with my life. I sing, I write, I draw, I paint, I create. And yet, I have no understood purpose in life; no path to follow. All I know is that I will not be able to move through life unless I continue to create.

             I feel like someone has put me in a helicopter, flown me out to sea, and dropped me in the center of a vast ocean. There is nothing in sight. I do not know what is beneath me. I can't see anything coming toward me. I am struggling to stay above the waves. There is nothing to swim toward, nothing to measure against. I am alone.

           The only thing that I know is there is the sky, but even the sky changes. Sometimes it's filled with light, and sometimes it's dark. Sometimes I see the stars and the moon, and sometimes it's raining, and I cry along with the clouds. The only constant is the rising and setting of the sun, even if it's obscured, because I know it's there.

             What I'm trying to say is, my life is the ocean, and this is how I feel. I am overwhelmed and lost, and the only thing I know for certain is that God, the sun, is somewhere nearby.

           I don't know how to end this post, because I am so tired and sad and emotionally dry right now. I suppose I simply wanted to write out my state of mind.

                It's storming in the sea of my mind right now, and I'm feeling a bit under the weather. Normally, I'd post something positive about how to get out of the storm, but I have to admit that I can't get out of mine right now. I think it's time I admitted that I am just as lost and broken as so many other people, and I simply needed to share my turmoil. Maybe we can help each other.

                 Da duit.

With I Can't Even Right Now (Seriously),

Joélle.

You've Got Dat Technical Something

     Firstly, IT'S HALLOWEEN!!!! I've dressed up as a jester and as Tinkerbell. How about you?

    Anyway, on to the serious shtuff. I've been thinking deeply recently (never a good thing), and I absolutely do not like the sound of my voice. Scientifically, that’s normal. But still, shouldn’t I at least be able to cope with it a little? I am a singer, for sadness’ sake. Sheesh.

    I was discussing things with my vocal coach a couple weeks ago, and she said, “There’s really not all that much I can teach you. I’m just here to direct you and coach you here and there.” That made me feel like my hard work all last summer had paid off, but then I started thinking about it in a different way.

    I know I can sing. Don’t get me wrong. I’ve got a good ear, I can play a bunch of instruments, I know how to sing in key. Technically, I’ve got it all down. The problem is, I just don’t have that extra ‘oomph’ that some people talk about when discussing singers they love. My voice in general? Really quite average. There is nothing extremely special about it; I don’t have some sort of cool tone, I don’t have funky vibrato, I don’t really have super unique styles. Which, of course, bothers me greatly.

   I have a friend who is a fabulous singer, and she has a lovely voice- you know, one of those voices you can only be born with. Quite honestly, I am SO JEALOUS. However, her mother often mentions how she concentrates on her songwriting instead of her technical singing (the stuff I have down). Ideally, if you glued our DNA together, we’d be a singing machine: natural talent and technical knowledge all rolled into one.

    I know I beat myself down sometimes, but I suppose it keeps me humble. After realizing how I feel about all of this, am I going to stop singing? Hell, no! I am going to continue working even harder than I have been to get to where I dream of being: onstage; in a recording studio; working with other artists. Yes, I don’t have an amazing voice. But I can learn how to do amazing things with my voice. Music is my obsession. I even believe it may be my calling, so I’m going to keep following it until (or unless) something else calls me. Though truthfully, I hope nothing else calls me.

Hold My Tea, I'm Hardcore

    Welcome to random update Wednesday! So, updates.... let's see... I have a vocal coach, now. We've been working on strengthening my voice so that I can sing higher and lower and longer. It's hard! I am so excited that I have someone who knows what they're doing. :) What else... I really am trying to figure out a way to get my first cover recorded so I can put it online. With conflicting schedules of everyone involved, and the fact that I've had a week-and-a-half-long sore throat, nothing seems to be going as planned, but since when have I not been stubborn? Oh, that's right, NEVER. :D

    I haven't got much else to say at this moment, but I do have a coaching session in an hour, so I really ought to go now. Therefore, I shall now leave you with this fascinating list of how strange Colorado is.

You Know You Are From Colorado If…

・You eat ice cream in the winter, usually using snow from your doorstep to make said ice cream.

・When the weather report says it’s going to be 55 degrees, you wear shorts.

・It snows 10 inches and you don’t expect school to be cancelled.

・You wear flip flops every day of the year, regardless of the temperature.

・You have no accent at all, but can hear other peoples'.

・“Humid” is any reading over 25%.

・Directions to anywhere include “toward the mountains” and “away from the

mountains”.

・You say you have to go “down the hill” or “up the hill” and everyone knows what you mean.

・You think that May is a normal month for a blizzard. Or June. 

・You buy your flowers on Mother’s Day, but hold off planting them until just before Father’s Day.

・You grew up planning your Halloween costumes around your coat and boots.

・You know what the Continental Divide is.

・You went to Casa Bonita as a kid, and still go, despite the fact that the food tastes like death and destruction.

・You’ve gone off-roading in a vehicle that was never intended for such activities. :D

・You always know the elevation of where you are.

・You wake up to a beautiful, 80 degree day and you wonder if it’s going to snow tomorrow.

・You don’t care that some company renamed it, the Broncos still play at Mile High Stadium, everyone knows that.

・Everybody wears jeans to church, and during football season, everyone wears their jerseys and hats and gloves and scarves, too.

・You know that South Park is actually a real place, not just a show on TV.

・You know what a “trust fund hippy” is, and you know its natural habitat is Boulder.

・You know you’re talking to a fellow Coloradan when they call it Elitches, not Six Flags.

・A bear on your front porch doesn’t bother you, but a stranger makes you take out your gun. Or set the dogs loose.

・When people out East tell you they have mountains in their state too, you just chuckle.

・You go anywhere else on the planet and the air feels “sticky” and you notice the sky is no longer blue. Unless you go to Nepal, that is. ;)

・98% of Americans scream before going in the ditch on an icy road. The other 2% are from Colorado and they say, “Hold my coffee and watch this.” Or in my case, "Hold my tea- @#$ %^%^&* #$**- thanks, let's go home now."

    Type to you all later, have a loverly day! 

Tyler Ward Replied to my E-mail (asdfghjkl)

     Well, hello, there, everyone! Or, at least, hey, there, one person who reads this. :) Anyways, yes, I am two and a half-ish days off on my postings. (shhhhhhhh) Don't tell anyone.* Anyway, UPDATE! I am currently taking voice lessons and working on my singing skillz... And I am trying as hard as I can to get some covers down so I can record them. So possibly look out for something on YouTube later this month. (Now that I've told the general public, I have to do it, mwahahaha. This is how I motivate myself: scare factor.)

     What else? Oh, yeah. There is this amazing singer who started out on YouTube known as Tyler Ward, and you should check him out. He is definitely an inspiration to me. Plus, he has fabulous hair. (lol) Here's a link to his channel: Tyler Ward Music- YouTube. Anyway, I found a general e-mail for him on his website, and I thought, "Well, hey, why not? I've got nothing to lose and anything to gain." So I sent him a message, asking for advice, and on a whim, mentioned something along the lines of looking for a mentor. And HE E-MAILED ME BACK. :) He said he might be having a contest or something to find a few new artists to work with, and he said he'd keep me posted. Needless to say, I am happy just because he took the time to respect my courage (and *cough* desperation *cough*). So I suppose we'll see if anything happens in the next few months.

     Anything else? Um, I got a new laptop. It is fabulous and incredibly annoying at the same time. Ah, well, whatcha gonna do. Macs....

     Ta-ta for now! I'll type you next week.

*SHAME ON YOU You told, didn't you?

Feeling Blue... Or Green?

   Lately, I've really been thinking a lot about jealousy. We all have it toward someone.... an enemy, a friend, a colleague. I also have trouble with being jealous of others I meet in the music business; I just feel so inferior when I see others’ talent. Why can’t I be that good? There IS this thing called practice and determination, though, and I plan on getting to the place where I personally feel equal to really talented people around me. And honestly, it’s hard. But I am not going to give up, because music is what I live for. And I don’t feel like not living just quite yet.

   To help with my description of this, and to make it more interesting, I’m using the example of my past jealousy toward my brother, who is… well, smart. Not just normal smart, but really smart. It’s really quite annoying, to be honest. ;) He lives and breathes numbers, and I'm just feeling a little.... inferior. You know what I mean. He's really, really smart, and I, being a few years older, almost can't stand it. If you put us each in a chair, and put a huge math problem in front of us, the immediate effect would be this:

  My brother, pencil poised, would be surrounded by a glow, his eyes wide in anticipation, an invisible voice singing aaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!*
   Then you'd look toward my seat. Your first thought would be, "Where'd she go?" Then you would squint, and realize that the very top of my head could still be seen, though barely, above the table. And hey, what do you know, there's something floating above my chair. "Is that a storm cloud?! And it's raining, too!"**

   I've been trying to cope with this feeling I get when someone else is better at something than I am, but it's so hard. But after thinking about this a while, I think I've come up with a list of ways to help both me and you solve the green-eyed problem. Let me know what you think, and if you've got any input, let the rest of us know! You never know who it might help. Here goes:

    1) stop thinking about what they're so much better at than you, and instead concentrate on what you can do that they can't. We've all got our weak spots. Think about the things that set you apart.

    For instance, I'm better at the arts (creative writing, drawing, music) while my brother is better at more.... I guess you'd say technological (?) things (math, all sciences, etc.).

    2) don't compare yourself to them. Why do you feel the need to? Do you think you have to be better than them? Everyone is so different, so unique, we really can't compare ourselves to other people. What will you gain from comparing, anyway? You'll just grow bitter and unfriendly towards that person the longer you feel that way. It won’t help anything.

         This is the concept I struggle with the most. He's around all of the time.... how can I not compare us? This is really a question of will. If you want to remove yourself, you'll be able to. It will take time, and a little help from others, but you'll be able to do it.

    3) This is the last step: feel happy for them. They have natural talents– you don't have to let them know, but be glad they have something they can do well and be proud of. You also need to feel this way toward yourself; get excited about what you can do! Also, my brother’s good at math and science. Do I care about math and science, beyond basic knowledge? NO! So why bother with any jealousy? I now have a live GPS and calculator that I can use whenever I need. The only negative side is the sassiness that comes along with using my brother’s services. :D

    4) Finally, for an extra oomph, use that feeling you get to push yourself to improve, if you still care. Back to my beginning example: Someone’s better at singing than I am? LET THE EXTRA PRACTICE SESSIONS BEGIN. I’m gonna catch up.

           And if you still have trouble letting this go, write it all out. Seeing your thoughts in front of you helps you figure things out. It works.... believe me, I know. :) These are my thoughts. What are yours?

*, ** dramatized version.