Depression in Poetic Form

DEAR
     Depression:

             I have been thinking about serious issues all day-- if you're not sure what I'm talking about, read my previous post-- I thought I'd continue Poemmas with this rather deep look at the depression center of my mind. I wrote this two years ago, in a college class, and it's one of the most personal things I have ever created. I hope you like it.

Grey Thoughts

I.

A tiny void of ink, black–

my confusion blooming in that one small droplet. I

see thoughts pressed down, as shaky handwriting far

too heavy for someone who appears to be bright,

sunbeams. Emotions slowly becoming something else-

Black, curved, marching; dripping

I can taste them, touch them, almost.

But not quite.

II.

My ink feelings

leave velvet teardrops, shaded with

night, across stark paper, yet

all I see is distorted beauty:

lovely words saying terrible

things, drowning in an inky

wash wrung from my thoughts– I’d

hoped they would fade,

but the paper appears as an open wound,

raven scars biting pale skin.

III.

I'm stuck in

the exact moment between day and night,

just waiting. I'm

falling through the twilight sky, still waiting,

fading. My heart is grey, dim, alone; surrounded

by frozen sparks. I am sitting

in the arms of an autumn tree, slowly losing

my colors. – I shiver

I am covered by a bittersweet avalanche when

I cry;

the skies' tears join mine. Icy tendrils

bind my mind and my fears turn to glass

with one side. I can just see out, but no one looks

in past the glaze of laughter.

I think I might break- like glass,

like ice, like mirrors, like lies.

With A Blot Of Ink,

Joélle.

Coming Out is In

DEAR
     LGBTQ people:
            In a way, I feel speechless.

            People always talk about how you should embrace who you really are, not hide your true feelings and problems, not shy away from your inner monsters. For some people, it's a short struggle. For others, it takes years. As someone who has depression, I suppose I can somewhat understand how this might feel. In other ways, though, I can not even begin to imagine the inner turmoil.

           One of my favorite YouTubers came out as gay today. You have no idea how flabbergasted I was that someone who is nearly always under the media's eye was able to keep that secret so hidden. Sharing something so personal with the world is difficult, and I massively respect that.

            One thing a lot of people would bring up is whether or not being gay is "right" or "good", as many might. (As a Christian, I'd like to point out that being gay is not a sin, it's having sexual intercourse with another of the same sex that is considered a sin. Just because you've been born gay doesn't mean you're instantly destined for the Hot Place. But that's another more in-depth discussion.) But what is always overlooked is that we have no inkling of how anyone going through this truly feels. What it is like. What being looked at in a certain way by the rest of the world is like. I honestly don't have a solid opinion, because all I know is that I feel sympathy. The closest thing I can compare it to is depression, because that is all I know. (A sad comparison, I know. But it's the best my mind can do.)

           What would you do if you had something different as part of your innermost mind, something you couldn't shake, and you couldn't control? You learn to coexist. You learn to appreciate things you never noticed before. You learn to change.

            Being ashamed of something can pull you back, just as being too prideful can do the same. But as it has always been said, admitting something is the first step to getting anywhere. Kudos to you. You've faced an inner monster. Keep inspiring good in others; keep talking about about depression and how to learn to be more optimistic. You're pushing people around the world to think for themselves. You've done a pretty frantastic job with your life so far. Keep it up. I hope I haven't offended you too much; I'm just being honest with what I know.

           Everyone was created the way they are for a reason. We are all meant for something greater than ourselves, even if it seems insignificant to us. The choices we make after the fact are what define us.

With Respect (And Rainbows),

Joélle.

IT'S DECEMBER?! (Christmas and Apples Galore)

DEAR
      Fellow PSL lovers:
             It's the crazy, overly-commercialized season of cold and snow and cookies! Yay. Anywho, I have decided that it's time I picked up blogging again. I need to do something constructive, right? I decided to post a new poem every day until Christmas to celebrate noticing the beauty around you in everything. After that, I'll be posting poems regularly, just not every day. Hope you like them!

            Quickly, though, OH MY GREAT GOLLY GOODNESS, you must check out some fantastic Christmas music by my favorite acapella group, Pentatonix. Click here to listen to the gorgeous Pentatonix Xmas Music!

         Annnnd here is poem number one! Enjoy. Share this blog (and the Xmas playlist!) with your friends, it would be greatly appreciated!

The first red bite was love without sight; 

crisp, bright. The colors of autumn 

flooded my mouth– the taste of 

cold sunshine as it drips, 

shimmering, between 

my stiff fingers 

as they reach 

for the 

branch.

Apple 

         Yes, the title is at the end. I love poems, because you can change the rules any way you like! And apples are red. That's Christmassy, right? ;)

With Plenty of Spice And Everything Nice,

Joélle.

Oh, Great, I'm Thinking Again.

DEAR
      Mind:
           I absolutely hate it when someone tells me, “Don’t worry, it’ll be okay.” Or “Just trust in God to lead you to the right place.” I’m a hypocrite, because I say the first one a lot, but the second gets to me even more. I, as a musician, always wonder if it’s worthwhile to try to pursue my dreams. My dreams of dancing failed in a pretty spectacular way, and I worry that something similar will happen again.

        I know a lot of people that have similar worries, and being Christian, when someone voices their worries, the usual answer, in place of advice, is “Just trust in God.” I’m sorry if you think I’m being blasphemous or something, but that does not make me feel any better. In any situation, sitting back and hoping never does anything for me. I need action. I need to know that I can count on myself to do things. Yes, I believe God gives me passions and direction, but it’s up to me what to do with them.

            I refuse to not take action when there is even the slightest thing I can do. Most people I know who love music sit in their rooms and practice, and pray that God will give them a chance. Sorry, but no chance is going to come your way unless you go out and look for it. I record music and put it online, I perform when I can, regardless of audience or pay (or lack thereof in either situation, lol), and I record videos. I enter any competition I can find, and if a music show comes to town or has open auditions online, I will be there. I shamelessly annoy people who’s e-mails I find after long online searches, and because of that, I have a couple great connections in the music world now.

          But even with all of that, nothing guarantees that I will ever be able to make a living or be recognized for my music. You think the acting world is cutthroat? Just wait. Talent means nothing. Connections and sheer luck do. How else do you think terrible singers get famous? The best talent is in the indie and underground world, where songwriting is honest and blunt, and being able to play an instrument or two is almost necessary.

          This is what I worry about. When I tell someone my worries, I don’t want to hear, “God will help you in time.” I want to hear ideas on what I can do next. God will be there for me, but I already know that. God is like the current pulling my boat along in life. If I have perfectly good oars, I’m going to use them, I’m not going to leave them in the bottom of the boat.

          If you worry about something, do everything you can, even if it’s a little crazy, or you don’t feel prepared. Taking chances are the only way you’ll ever reach the full potential you were meant to achieve. Use the oars.


With A Slightly Furrowed Brow,

Joélle.

Thinking? That's Never Good.

DEAR
     Self:
        It's been so long, I thought I'd just sit down and write out my thoughts. This is unedited, so bear with me. Lately, I have been thinking. That is never good, because my mind goes ninety-four miles a minute and turns up some pretty crazy things, such as a deep need to debate whether children could be conceived and raised in Neverland. But that is beside the point.

         I have noticed that despite my varied interests and all of the work I do at my job and for myself, I feel like I am at a stalemate with life right now. That is bad, in case you were wondering. Anyhow, I have decided to make a list for myself with everything I'd like to do from now on, then figure out how to actually get that thing in my life without taking too much from everything else that's important to me. Why am I posting this? Because I have nothing to post and I thought you could help me out.

         1) I need to get fit. Not skinny, fit. Food has always been the only love life I've needed, and it's not helping that I enjoy sweets and carbs far more than I should. So if you see me sneaking a garlic twist at work, tell me to put it back and eat a salad. I may get mad at you, but at least I'll know someone read my blog. (UPDATE: Thank you, Sara. lol)

         2) I need to get music out for others to hear, and stop trying to be perfect. So I sang something a little flat, or I messed up that piano bit. PUT IT UP anyway, people will still give feedback. I've learned this, and I am just so self-conscious about it. So I am going to try as hard as I can to put up a video of some kind every other week. If I get sick, like I did this past week, it won't get in the way of weekly projects.

         3) I need to stop watching Doctor Who and start writing again. If I never make it as a singer, at least I'll have a novel or two or twelve to fall back on. Maybe I'll feel accomplished. I just need to finish things, and writing is one of the hardest, because I feel like it all needs to be just so.

       4) I need to make my dream my concentration. Music is my dream, so music should be breathed, drunk, and imagined every second of the day. I need to practice more instead of, once again, watching television shows. Damn you, iCarly. Practice makes better, and if I want my life to be music, I need to make music my life. This is truthfully the hardest, because underneath all the fuzzy blonde, I am still afraid that I am wasting my time and my hope.

       That's the end, I'm trying to be succinct. If I sound self-centered in this, that's because I felt like it today. So-rry. If you have any suggestions for me, whether they be of songs to cover, teas to drink, or anything else, let me know. :) 

With A Mouthful Of Garlic Bread Chicken Salad,

Joélle

Relaxable Pickles

DEAR
      Frenzied Christmas shoppers:
           Hello, there! It's been a while, hasn't it? UPDATE: I have acid reflux, I'm getting a professional vocal coach, I tried out for America's Got Talent. Anything else? Oh, yeah. IT'S NEARLY CHRISTMAS AND I LOVE CHRISTMASTIME DEARLY. I love Christmas so much, I've even influenced my cat to get excited about it.

           Back to organised ideas: yes, I have acid reflux. It stinks. I can't currently eat any of the yummy things I enjoy the most, like tomatoes, lemonade, Italian food, Cajun food, jalapeños, oranges, and chili. I'M DYING, GUYS. Not really, but it feels like it. At least I'll always have my chocolate. I will never give up chocolate.

           I tried out for America's Got Talent last week, and it went really well! There were not very many people there (a thousand or so altogether, I'd guess), and I didn't mess up my piano playing, I didn't miss a note, and my singing was spot on. I felt like I was in another dimension for a moment. Then I stopped singing and reality switched back on. The people who watched me said I did very well. :) The callbacks don't start until February, and run through April, so I'm not holding my breath, but it was definitely a positive experience.

         What else? Ah, how about some Christmassy-themed humor? I was ruffling (that's what I call it) through a magazine last Christmas, and I unearthed some pretty wacky things that were for sale:

1) stretchable flying reindeer  

2) relaxable pickles

3) reindeer rubber duckies (complete with the red nose and antlers, of course!)

4) inflatable Christmas trees 

5) x-treme winter rubber duckies (there was the duckie- and then there was the x-treme duckie... dun, dun, dunnn!)

6) and finally- wait for it- large neon stretchy noodle ball yo-yos.

        Try saying that last one three times in a row....... : D Happy Christmas, Merry New Year, and a wonderful Chanukah to all! ...I'm going to go eat cookies now. 

With More Tape Than Wrapping Paper,

Joélle.

Say What?!... Er- Sing What?

DEAR
     "I Love This Song!":
             You know how you'll hear a song, and you'll say, "What the heck was that supposed to mean?" Like Coldplay's Viva la Vida (one of my personal favorites), for instance. I mean, yeah, it sounds awesome!!! (fantastic string sections; love the violin!) but what's it actually about- and what does it really mean?

             If you Google the meaning of the song, a lot of mixed ideas pop up. One explanation that I like a lot suggests that the song is about revolution. There are clues that could support this idea: on the cover of the album- named after this song- is a print of Delacroix's rendition of the 1830 French revolution, Liberty Leading the People, and the lyrics mention that the old king is dead/ long live the king. Many of the other songs on the CD also allude to revolution-istic (I made up that word, in case you're wondering!) ideas.

            Then there are ridiculous ideas, some going so far as to say that the song is about devil idolatry and other evil things. Many say the song is about Jesus, but the facts aren't straight if they are supposed to refer to him. Especially the lyrics that speak of how a wicked and wild wind/ blew down the doors to let me in. Nothing wicked would ever "let him in"- anything evil would want to keep him out! It makes more sense if this idea referred to Satan, when he was beautiful and in good standing, and then he fell.

             My description of the song is a bit more vague and, I think, one of the better explanations. I think the song is about anyone who was rich or famous- perhaps even the band itself. They were in great 'power' for a while, but then fell. (The band lost its popularity for a while until this song came out.) One reason to support this idea of someone rich/famous is the mention of having power and even gambling with both money and life: I used to roll the dice/ see the fear in my enemies' eyes. "Then why all the Biblical references?" you might ask. The band has admitted to not being very religiously correct with Viva la Vida; the lead singer said they just "wanted to write a fun song" that everyone would like. Here are the full lyrics, in case you want to read them through:                                                   

Viva la Vida

           I used to rule the world                                          For some reason I can't explain

Seas would rise when I gave the word                              Once you'd gone there was never

Now in the morning I sleep alone                                              Never an honest word

Sweep the streets I used to own                                   But that was when I ruled the world

I used to roll the dice                                              It was a wicked and wild wind

Feel the fear in my enemies' eyes                                       Blew down the doors to let me in

Listen as the crowd would sing                                        Shattered windows and the sound of                                                                                        drums

Now the old king is dead; long live the king                         People couldn't believe what I'd become

One minute I held the key                                             Revolutionaries wait

     Next the walls were closed on me                                              For my head on a silver plate

And I discovered that my castles stand                                    Just a puppet on a lonely string

        Upon pillars of salt and pillars of sand                                        Oh, who would ever want                                                                                                     to be king

I hear Jerusalem bells a ringing                                           ....For some reason I can't explain

            Roman cavalry choirs are singing                                  I know Saint Peter won't call  my name                                                                              

Be my mirror, my sword, my shield                                                    Never an honest word

My missionaries in a foreign field                                          But that was when I ruled the world

With The Haughty Snort Of A Lyricist,

Joélle.

You've Got Dat Technical Something

     Firstly, IT'S HALLOWEEN!!!! I've dressed up as a jester and as Tinkerbell. How about you?

    Anyway, on to the serious shtuff. I've been thinking deeply recently (never a good thing), and I absolutely do not like the sound of my voice. Scientifically, that’s normal. But still, shouldn’t I at least be able to cope with it a little? I am a singer, for sadness’ sake. Sheesh.

    I was discussing things with my vocal coach a couple weeks ago, and she said, “There’s really not all that much I can teach you. I’m just here to direct you and coach you here and there.” That made me feel like my hard work all last summer had paid off, but then I started thinking about it in a different way.

    I know I can sing. Don’t get me wrong. I’ve got a good ear, I can play a bunch of instruments, I know how to sing in key. Technically, I’ve got it all down. The problem is, I just don’t have that extra ‘oomph’ that some people talk about when discussing singers they love. My voice in general? Really quite average. There is nothing extremely special about it; I don’t have some sort of cool tone, I don’t have funky vibrato, I don’t really have super unique styles. Which, of course, bothers me greatly.

   I have a friend who is a fabulous singer, and she has a lovely voice- you know, one of those voices you can only be born with. Quite honestly, I am SO JEALOUS. However, her mother often mentions how she concentrates on her songwriting instead of her technical singing (the stuff I have down). Ideally, if you glued our DNA together, we’d be a singing machine: natural talent and technical knowledge all rolled into one.

    I know I beat myself down sometimes, but I suppose it keeps me humble. After realizing how I feel about all of this, am I going to stop singing? Hell, no! I am going to continue working even harder than I have been to get to where I dream of being: onstage; in a recording studio; working with other artists. Yes, I don’t have an amazing voice. But I can learn how to do amazing things with my voice. Music is my obsession. I even believe it may be my calling, so I’m going to keep following it until (or unless) something else calls me. Though truthfully, I hope nothing else calls me.

Hold My Tea, I'm Hardcore

    Welcome to random update Wednesday! So, updates.... let's see... I have a vocal coach, now. We've been working on strengthening my voice so that I can sing higher and lower and longer. It's hard! I am so excited that I have someone who knows what they're doing. :) What else... I really am trying to figure out a way to get my first cover recorded so I can put it online. With conflicting schedules of everyone involved, and the fact that I've had a week-and-a-half-long sore throat, nothing seems to be going as planned, but since when have I not been stubborn? Oh, that's right, NEVER. :D

    I haven't got much else to say at this moment, but I do have a coaching session in an hour, so I really ought to go now. Therefore, I shall now leave you with this fascinating list of how strange Colorado is.

You Know You Are From Colorado If…

・You eat ice cream in the winter, usually using snow from your doorstep to make said ice cream.

・When the weather report says it’s going to be 55 degrees, you wear shorts.

・It snows 10 inches and you don’t expect school to be cancelled.

・You wear flip flops every day of the year, regardless of the temperature.

・You have no accent at all, but can hear other peoples'.

・“Humid” is any reading over 25%.

・Directions to anywhere include “toward the mountains” and “away from the

mountains”.

・You say you have to go “down the hill” or “up the hill” and everyone knows what you mean.

・You think that May is a normal month for a blizzard. Or June. 

・You buy your flowers on Mother’s Day, but hold off planting them until just before Father’s Day.

・You grew up planning your Halloween costumes around your coat and boots.

・You know what the Continental Divide is.

・You went to Casa Bonita as a kid, and still go, despite the fact that the food tastes like death and destruction.

・You’ve gone off-roading in a vehicle that was never intended for such activities. :D

・You always know the elevation of where you are.

・You wake up to a beautiful, 80 degree day and you wonder if it’s going to snow tomorrow.

・You don’t care that some company renamed it, the Broncos still play at Mile High Stadium, everyone knows that.

・Everybody wears jeans to church, and during football season, everyone wears their jerseys and hats and gloves and scarves, too.

・You know that South Park is actually a real place, not just a show on TV.

・You know what a “trust fund hippy” is, and you know its natural habitat is Boulder.

・You know you’re talking to a fellow Coloradan when they call it Elitches, not Six Flags.

・A bear on your front porch doesn’t bother you, but a stranger makes you take out your gun. Or set the dogs loose.

・When people out East tell you they have mountains in their state too, you just chuckle.

・You go anywhere else on the planet and the air feels “sticky” and you notice the sky is no longer blue. Unless you go to Nepal, that is. ;)

・98% of Americans scream before going in the ditch on an icy road. The other 2% are from Colorado and they say, “Hold my coffee and watch this.” Or in my case, "Hold my tea- @#$ %^%^&* #$**- thanks, let's go home now."

    Type to you all later, have a loverly day!